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The Gift of Betrayal Home PageBuy the BookTable of ContentsChapter 1IntroductionAdditional PraiseReviews14 LessonsRelationship QuizzesContact Us


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14 Key Lessons


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When your world explodes...

You have a choice...

Could you have been...

How did you get here...

What is the role of...

Trust in your ability to...

Take action to create...

Slow down: Examine and...

Take risks, try new things...

Let your female friends...

Learn what men have to...

Invite joy, pleasure, and...

Stay present to the gift of...

Celebrate your new found...

 



14 Key Lessons

I've organized this book around fourteen key lessons involved in grasping the gift of betrayal. My patients, and my own life journey, have taught me that these fourteen teachings are among the most crucial ones in healing your life when your world explodes. Each key lesson is a separate chapter. And, you will find a series of important concepts that interrelate. In The Gift of Betrayal, I've written the book I wish I had been able to read many years ago. Perhaps it would have helped me make sense of my experience and saved me a lot of heartache and pain. I hope and pray that The Gift of Betrayal serves that purpose in your life. You can find your unique path to wholeness. You need not suffer so much!

Here are the key lessons. I urge you to grasp them, learn them, and make them your own.


1. When your world explodes: What is betrayal? How does it feel? And, where can it take you?

Betrayal is a breach of trust. What you counted on to be true is false. You were living a lie. When you've been betrayed by your beloved, your spouse, or life partner your world shatters. The person you thought you could believe in has deceived you. You are alone. You've been abandoned. You are at risk. The vows and commitments you made to one another become meaningless. You don't know who you are anymore, or who that other person really is. Your whole notion of your life history is challenged. What was real and what was not?

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2. You have a choice: Do you seize your
power or become the victim, learn or blame,
leave or stay?

Life is all about choice. You've heard that before. You know expressions; life is what you make of it, you reap what you sow, you get what you expect to receive, you are the captain of your own ship, life is a self-fulfilling prophesy. And, maybe even, you've created the mess you're in!

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3. Could you have been married to
(or involved with) a sociopath?

Could you be married to (or involved with) a sociopath? This chapter contains a lesson that ought to be highlighted in bold colors. It stands alone for many of my patients as the "if only I had known" lesson. And, I've only recently learned it.

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4. How did you get here and what are you
meant to learn from this?

Whether you realize it or not, you created the life you are living. Your unique inborn nature, and the lessons you learned growing up, prepared you to do just what you have done up until now. And, as I'm sure you know, some of what you've brought upon yourself doesn't serve you very well at all. Of course, you have the power to change all of it going forward. But, you need to understand how you got here in the first place if you are to be successful in doing that.

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5. What is the role of forgiveness in healing?

Most books about betrayal focus on forgiveness, on forgiving the offender and forgiving yourself. But, I am concerned about that. I think that the attention on forgiveness is misguided. Trying to forgive can distract you from the work you need to do. Additionally, it is a fruitless endeavor.

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6. Trust in your ability to create your
heart's desire.

This chapter is designed to teach how to trust in your ability to create your heart's desire. And, it's a real crucial lesson. Because, if you're reading this book, it's likely you've been burned, jolted, destabilized and challenged by betrayal. You've lived a lot of hell and want to experience great joy. You are probably afraid of loneliness, isolation, or an inability to take care of yourself and those you love. You may be fearful of the future, of the present, or of reliving your past! You are worried. And, all of your concerns are to be expected. "Normal" people have them. I did. My patients do. Why not you too? Having been around this bend many times, I want to reassure you. I believe in you. I trust in your ability to create a fabulous future for yourself.

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7. Take action to create the life you really want.

This chapter is about taking action to create the life you really want. And, the first thing I'm going to tell you to do may sound obvious or ridiculous. "Duh!" you may say when I tell you that in order to create the life you really want, you have to do "it" differently. You have to change your ideas, approaches, expectations, and behaviors if you want a different outcome. Here is another spiritual law of the universe: You will keep getting what you've gotten if you keep doing what you've done until now!

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8. Slow down: Examine and honor all
your involvements.

Healing your life when your world explodes is a multistage process. And it can't be rushed. The fact that it takes a long time to recover can be very frustrating. The unknown is scary. We all want to know what is going to happen, where we will be, and how everything is going to "work out". When our universe shatters, we find ourselves adrift, lost, and at sea. Much of what had given our lives meaning, purpose, and direction has suddenly been tossed asunder. And we can't help but question who we are, where we are, what matters, and where we are going. We surely struggle with knowing who and what we can trust, and we question whether we'll be O.K. in the end. So we want quick answers. And we can be driven to find them prematurely.

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9. Take risks, try new things...and pay attention
to how you feel.

The lesson of this chapter concerns the importance of taking risks, trying new things, and paying attention to how you feel in the process. If you think about what we've covered so far, you will realize that we've touched on this theme a lot already. You've been encouraged to take charge of your life, to believe in your dreams, to envision you heart's desires, to take actions, to banish doubts and to examine all your involvements. I've urged you to do things differently in order to achieve different outcomes. And, I've given you many illustrations of how others have learned and changed over time.

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10. Let your female friends help you.

One of the most crucial lessons I've learned from my betrayal experience is the importance of letting your female friends help you. Women heal women. Women offer one another a kind of support that men cannot give us. Our chromosomes, brain structure, neurochemistry, and hormones make for significant gender differences that are fundamental.

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11. Learn what men have to offer and what
they can not do for you.

In the last chapter, you got a preview of this one. As you were learning about the importance of letting your female friends help you heal your life, you were discovering some of what men cannot do for you. Perhaps my comments about men were a rude awakening. Men are strange beasts to us women. And, if you are anything like me, you probably began wondering: If women heal women, what is the point of men? Aside from providing sperm to create children, and perhaps offering financial support, what do we need them for? My assistant says "lawn care and house maintenance!" But, is that all there is? And, how are we to understand them? (Parenthetically, the lessons of this chapter about men don't apply to sociopaths.)

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12. Invite joy, pleasure, and passion into your life.

Romance and steamy sex sells movies, books, and magazines. And, they rarely sell well without that! There's a reason for that pattern. And, it underlies the lesson of this chapter; you need to invite joy, pleasure, and passion into your life.


13. Stay present to the gift of the moment.

In the last chapter you learned to invite joy, passion, and pleasure into your life. You focused on releasing your inner goddess and letting yourself have fun. I hope you're enjoying what she brings into your life. But, I imagine that you still struggle with worry at times, and get off track. In this chapter, I want to teach you how to stay present to the gift of the here and now.

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14. Celebrate your new found freedom,
fulfillment, and fabulous good fortune.

Congratulations! You have arrived at the final chapter of The Gift of Betrayal. You have, by now, begun to master thirteen of the fourteen lessons necessary to healing your life. While you've learned something useful from each chapter, you've probably found that some of the lessons touched you where you most needed to be healed while others didn't resonate for you just yet. Remember, healing is a self-paced process! And, there's a personal right path for you to heal your life. Each one of us feels, sees, and grows in our own blessedly unique way. So, be gentle and patient with yourself. Revisit the lessons and work the tools of each chapter as the fancy strikes you. Cultivate trust! You will get just what you need when you need it!

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You've just read through the list of fourteen key lessons. As you explore each one of them during our time together, keep in mind that there is a personal right path for you to heal your life. As you go through this book, you will read many examples and suggestions. I urge you to be gentle with yourself. Please, do not compare yourself to others, or judge your own process. Let yourself learn from each tale and point. But keep in mind that each of us feels, sees, and grows in our own time, and in our own blessedly unique way.

     
 
 
 

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