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Introduction
Grasping the Gift of Betrayal
We have all heard the expressions: Every cloud has a silver lining, there's light at the end of the tunnel, and
God doesn't give you anything more than you can handle. But when your world explodes, when your lover, life-partner,
or spouse betrays you, when your picture perfect life turns to ashes, those truisms become platitudes. They sound
hollow. They just don't ring true.
I have worked with many women who have lived through horrendous, gut-wrenching, life altering betrayals. I've helped
them climb out of the pits of despair, hopelessness, self-loathing, grief, powerlessness, and pain. We have raged,
joked, laughed, and cried together. We've explored questions like: why me? How could he have done this? Who is
he anyway? How could I have missed it? What is wrong with me? How did I get here? Why do I keep choosing people
like this? Is anyone really trustworthy? Will I ever be able to trust again?
Together we have journeyed through the pain, the history, the lessons, the acceptance, and the transformation.
And, everyone I have had the opportunity to work with has proved the truisms to be true! And, when my life exploded
in betrayal…I did the same thing.
There's hope, healing, and great joy available to and waiting for, each and every one of us who've been betrayed.
But, we need to grasp the gift in betrayal to experience it. We must grasp the gift intellectually - understand
it, make sense of it, and learn from it. And, we must grasp the gift physically - seize it, step into it, and make
it our story. If my patients and I can do that, so can you! I'll start by telling you my story, and share some
of my patients' experiences later on as you and I step into your healing work together. While I wrote this book
for women in heterosexual relationships, many of its teachings will help you if you are a gay man or women, or
a heterosexual man who has been betrayed. You will obviously need to change the "he" to "she"
and the "she" to "he" as you read the examples.
My Story
Once upon a time, a long, long, time ago - when I believed in happily ever after lives - I got married. I was 23
years old, a second year medical student, and in love for the first time. Peter, the object of my affection, was
a man 4 months older than me and a year ahead of me in medical school. We were both students. In fact, we had both
been perpetual students since pre-school. After spending a mere 16 months with the man who I thought was the answer
to my prayers, I stood before my family, friends, other relatives, and my Rabbi, in the synagogue of my childhood.
I pledged to take Peter to be my husband. I vowed to love, honor and cherish him in sickness and in health as long
as we both would live. But I had no idea what I was doing!
I thought I knew myself. And, I thought I knew him. My mother encouraged me to marry Peter after seven months of
courtship. He had just moved into my apartment and she was worried. "He will live with you out of wedlock
forever if you don't get married right away", she said. And, I thought that would be a problem. I was a naïve,
starry-eyed, good girl. So I got engaged…and I really thought I was doing the right thing…
Soon after my engagement, I got really depressed - not clinically depressed - but I couldn't stop crying for days.
I didn't know what was wrong with me. "I should be happier than I've ever been in my entire life", I
thought. "What could possibly be wrong?" I talked to my friends, and sought counseling. My tearfulness
was chalked up to hormones and to (what I now realize) were other ridiculous nondescript causes. No one said to
me, "Maybe your body is trying to tell you something about this marriage plan. Maybe you ought to get out."
And, not realizing what I now know about mind-body interactions, I plowed ahead with the wedding plans my mother
was making. I was being compliant, and doing what I had always done. I didn't know any better. None of us can act
beyond our wisdom.
Throughout my engagement I was episodically unsettled. My fiancé and I had some fabulous times together.
But we also fought and argued with each other. This was a brand new experience for me. I hate conflict, and had
always avoided it whenever possible. I was often hurt by Peter's words and actions. Yet, we seemed to be working
things out. But I did not really know what working it out involved. My parents NEVER disagreed about anything in
front of their children. They believed they were setting a good example for us.
As a child and young adult, I always needed to have goals - to know where I was going and what I was meant to do
to get there. Perhaps, my illusion of control was one of the things that kept me sane in my dysfunctional household.
Anyway, knowing I was marrying the man I was supposed to marry kept me going. And, the good times I had with him
reinforced my conscious belief that he and I would live happily ever after. And, my conscious belief probably kept
me trying to make the impossible occur.
My marriage plan did not unfold anything like I thought it would. By the time I finished my psychiatry residency
training, I was the proud parent of a colicky baby boy. And, within less than three years, my husband and I were
co-parenting two sons. While I desperately wanted children, the roller coaster experience of my courtship did not
settle down. The stress and upheaval continued. And I kept trying to "work it out" no matter what came
my way.
I must admit that I was deeply joyful at times. I had fun with my spouse, a rewarding practice and wonderful kids.
But, I couldn't count on or trust my husband to be supportive in a consistent way. I often felt undermined by him,
disappointed, unhappy, overwhelmed, confused and deeply dissatisfied. I pursued therapy and counseling over the
years…as did he. But the problems seemed to escalate.
Miserable things would happen. He would apologize and commit to changing but he kept violating my trust. I kept
fixing problems and putting out fires. I was hoping he would change. But, I lived in dread and fear.
On the occasion of my 24th wedding anniversary, my husband and I had four children ages 9-19 and slept in separate
rooms. I felt ill in his company. I was in a lot of pain…and then my world exploded.
I was confronted with irrefutable evidence that Peter was living a double life. He was involved in activities that
rock the foundation of what it means to honor, cherish and support a wife. My illusion of being able to make my
marriage work was shattered. I was devastated. I told my husband to move out. And…after 27 years of trying to make
the unworkable work, I filed for divorce.
I was facing a bombshell, a fractured plane in the earth of my life wider than that of the Grand Canyon. My whole
adult life had been spent trying to build a family and a future with the man who had betrayed me. We had four children
together. Over the years, my parents, friends, colleagues, and other relatives had stepped in to help my husband
deal with one challenge after another. We had all trusted, sacrificed, and invested our resources and ourselves
in helping. We had hoped for more. And, I had just come to discover that much of my life was a lie. My husband
had been putting me in danger. It began to sink in. I could have died! My children could have been left without
a mother. And, all the while my husband had been engaging in this behavior, he had been telling me that I was not
supportive enough of him!
If you are reading this book, you've probably been there too. You know what if feels like to be betrayed, to have
your life shattered, your dreams blown up in smoke. What would, or did, you do? How will you heal your life when
your world explodes?
You have a choice. You can see this betrayal as a curse or a blessing. You can make it about him or you can make
it about you. You can be the victim, or you can take charge. You can
blame him, or you can learn about yourself and move on. You can grow or shrink. You can heal your life or shrivel
up and die. You can choose joy, light, and love or remain bitter and alone.
I chose to see the gift in my betrayal experience. I chose to learn from it, and used it as an opportunity to create
the life I've always wanted to have. And, I'm here to tell you I've never been happier. I thank God for putting
that final nail in the coffin of my prior marriage. I'm creating my heart's desire. I'm currently involved with
a man who lights up my life. I'm laughing and singing more than I have for years. There's a lightness in my step,
a giggle in my voice, and a whole lot more lovin' going on than I ever dreamed I would experience. Passion and
pleasure have replaced my pain and perseverance. And, I am thrilled to be free! I've grasped the gift of betrayal
and you can too. Your betrayal can become your liberation. In this book, I intend to show you how to make that
happen.
Most books about betrayal focus on forgiveness, on forgiving the offender and forgiving yourself. But I think the
attention on forgiving is misguided. When you've been burned, you need to treat your wound. You need to figure
out how you got scorched in the first place and how to heal. Then you may begin forgiving yourself, and only yourself.
As you move forward, you will figure out how to deal with the aggressor who put your hand in the fire in the first
place. Only as you begin to recover and transcend your pain will you be able to begin to forgive the perpetrator.
You can't do so sooner. That would be like looking over your shoulder while you were trying to walk forward. You
would likely trip, fall, and maybe even break your neck. It's not about him. Your healing is about you and for
you.
To heal your life, you need to step fully into it. You deserve a glorious future. And I intend to show you how
to get there. The first step in achieving that future is allowing yourself to believe it's possible for you. So
start telling yourself it is…and begin the process. You'll be amazed at the places you'll go! |
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